Once again no. Not me, not this time, not this month.
But I really felt like this was going to be it. I felt so much like I might be.
Not ever again?
Got my period this morning. Day 37 turns into Day 1, just shy of a full two weeks from ovulation. (Wonder if that constitutes a short luteal phase.) It would have been sooooo 'perfect' if I could have been pregnant! But for some reason I don't get to be that lucky. Perhaps my chi is off, my chakras are blocked, or I have bad psychic energy. It couldn't be that I am just way too damn old.
My acupuncturist said last Wednesday that if I wasn't pregnant, he felt this might be the month, that my pulses were stong. As he said that doubt started to creep in. My body started to feel less maybe-pregnant, to more just bloated and sore.
Was pissed off and pissy all weekend. Had three holiday parties to go to. Debated whether or not to drink at each one, but did not. "What if?", I thought and decided not to chance it. Could have, damn it. Now I wonder if I shouldn't imbibe over the holiday so as not to 'poison the well' for this 'month'. Crap.
And I get to feel the ticking of the clock as I get nearer and nearer my birthday. Either my birthday or B's will be the end of this incredibly depressing and draining quest. Thinking about that makes me tear up. As much as I am ready to move on with my life I hate to give up on this dream. I hate to finally accept defeat.
+++ +++ +++
T started sport camp this morning. He is off from school the next two weeks and two days. This week, and possibly next, he'll go to camp at one of the local colleges. It runs from 9am - 4pm (with extended hours on each end if needed.) Since I have to work, and B has two new class preps, and T still doesn't do independent play well, we signed him up. Plus one of his Pre-K friends goes to this camp and likes it. I hope he likes it. I hope it is a good experience for him.