I have to get this out, and so here is the place.
I've been post-menopausal for some time now, well over a year. However occasionally I'll still feel a twinge of something, or have some symptom that is a reminder of a more fertile time. The last few days are a case in point. CM happened, then ovary twinges, a 'randy' husband, and all those thoughts of a miracle and 'what-if?', and 'could-it-be?', and what email I might write to announce a pregnancy... it all came rushing back...
And I am right back to wondering, thinking, hoping...
And then last night, snuggling with T while he falls asleep, he says, "I don't want to be an only child." Heartbreak. "Can you please try to have a baby?" Is he psychic, could he be sensing something?! "Please can you please try to do what you have to do to have a baby?" he says into the dark turning toward me. ... Really, could he be psychic?
I say, "What brought this on?"
"I want a brother or sister." Sigh, and oh how I wish... "Can you do what you need to to get a baby?"
"I don't know honey."
"Please try, you have to try."
And so I told B that T told me he doesn't want to be an only child. And after I crawled in bed we tried. Or, well I tried, and my husband was randy.
...And my head swirls with these recurring thoughts and what-ifs, and all the testing, and..., and, ...
And I read and hear these stories of these children in awful circumstances, orphaned by war, and ebola, and war, and natural disasters, ...and I wonder.
So. What if?
And I thought I was getting past this. I thought I was surfacing, but it only takes a little twinge, ...and a sleepy question, ...and I am back.