Babbling

Might Have Been

Last fall I thought today might be my due date.

My small memorial to our blueberry girl.

When Can I Have a Brother?

Posted in one of my groups on Baby Center. AFM = as for me, DS = dear son, DH = dear husband, DE = donor eggs

I do intend on writing somthing some time soon. I have a TON of photos to post at some point.

Totally Random Bits

One of T's favorite sayings these days is, "What in the world?" He often cocks his head to one side and crooks an eye brow as he widens his eyes with a smile.

I am taking part in The Shredheads April Challenge to get Ripped In 30 (I got mine at Target). I tried to start last Friday but only made it part of the way through the first circuit before I had to help with T's bedtime. I put in my 26 minuets  Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today (Thursday) however, and while sore am not hobbling. I have had to modify a few of the exercises - one of the abs and the push-ups which I do on my knees (wimp!), and for the second set of flies in the chair pose, I'm not going deep. I'll be posting Before photos at some point - they ain't pretty - as well as measurements. Both are embarrassing as I have gotten 'big'.

I took Tuesday and yesterday off in part because I finally got my period. Yay! So we will have a two cycle plan once I ovulate; fingers and toes crossed.(I was feeling thankful about finally getting my period and knowing where I was in the cycle etc. When I told B he was sad.)

Mariska Hargity (an actress  and daughter of Jayne Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay) adopted a baby girl. She and her husband have a son who is five days younger than T, and she is only three years older than I am. They were part of our 'star baby crew' when I was pregnant and after T was born (others include Suri Cruise, Kingston Rossdale, and Shiloh Joli-Pitt) I knew they were trying for a second child, but had thought perhaps they had given up. Not so, and it kind of made me sad as adoption is not a possibility for us. Learned this and that another 40-mom (just 40) Tina Fey is pregnant with number two. Her daughter is five. Please God can it be your will that we get to join in too?

Quilt blocks

I'm two classes in to my First (Modern) Quilt class and have completed a few quilt blocks (see my very first quilt blocks here). It is very much a work in process as I figure out how to place the materials, cut, piece, sew, iron, etc. Our first month/class Deborah had us do a Log Cabin block. Here is my very first one, started in class and completed at home. It is an 18" block with 2" logs and in the cool colorway supplied in class.

My first log cabin block - 18" with 2" strips. The center square is the hearth so I picked my most red fabric for there. I had 1/4 yard cuts of nine materials to work with and ended up repeating them in the last logs. This is not my favorite block as I don't care for the pattern/color placement. I tried to put blue/purple on one side, and blue/green on the other.

Back

Courthouse steps variation of the Log Cabin. Here the sides mirror each other. 18" square, 2" strips. I laid out my material in dark to light - yellow/green on one side and blue/ green on the other. Then I laid them out depending on which had the most left. That is how I got this grouping.

Log cabin with picture frame variation. This one is not complete but will be a 12" block when done. It uses 1" (1 1/2"?) strips. I can call this my humility square (though really all of them will be to some extent) as I had to do some extra piecing of the blue material. My placement was based on how much material I had of each kind. I kept with the same material for the hearth in each of these blocks. I'm going to move away from that tradition in my next Log Cabin design.

Month two and Deborah has us doing the Rail Fence pattern that teaches how to make an assembly line of cutting, sewing, cutting. This is a 12" square (or will be when in a quilt) with 1 1/2" strips of light, medium, dark value sewn together. You cut and sew width of fabric so that after the strips are sewn together you are able to cut them ino smaller squares - I got four squares from each of my sewn strips. You then alternate them horizontal and vertical placement. I had to use my seam ripper quite a bit - sewed the last block of each square on wrong, then realized that two of my strips of four blocks were senw incorrectly (I sewed all four the same, when I should have sewn two the same.) While this wasn't my favorite combo of the four fabrics we were supplied (for Cool colorway), I thought it might work better with my already completed blocks.

The back - seams go every which way. Next time I'll try pressing each seam open.

Detail of how some of my seams matched up Perfectly, while others are very much imperfect - humilty - yeah, that's right...

What's up with my cycle?

I have 'no idea' where I am in my cycle. Actually that isn't entirely true, but I don't know what's up. Things appear to be all mixed up. I am on day 40. Thought I would have a 27 day cycle based on the failed cycle. I read somewhere (Baby Center boards I think) that some people have shortened cycles when they fail w/ injectables, and that the first day or two are abnormally heavy.

Not so for me apparently. When I was thinking I might get my period I did an HPT: negative. Waited several days, thought I might be feeling something, and took another. Once again, only one line. However, some weirdness made me think I might be O-ing: four days of ovary pain, EWCM (this is fertility board talk, you probably don't want to look it up). Due to a number of factors BD didn't happen much, so this wouldn't be immaculate conception, but ... I'm now having other signs which might indicate that I am either going to get my period soon, might still (?) be o-ing, or am pregnant. WTH?!

In other news, am going through 'hormonal hell' with mood swings hat I am sure make life with me lots of fun, had the bad yearly review I expected (actually she was incredibly kind and supportive), am having difficulty with T that is alternately making me really sad, really frustrated/upset, feeling like a horrid mother, or like giving up. On a good note I have enjoyed some quilting and reading.

Growth

T looked at the hall wall last night and stated, "We need to write on the wall!" He was referring to the spot we have used to measure him and sure enough it had been almost a year since the last mark. Interestingly, I was wondering how big he was earlier in the day.

We pulled out the ruler and pencil and T stood against the wall (fresh from the bath and au natural.) I only measured from the last mark, so still have to verify that it is correct. Next we pulled out the scale. I think it interesting that at 4 3/4 years he is a bunch of 4s for height and weight:

From About.com. T's 9 month 'birthday' is tomorrow.

You can also plot his (or any child's) growth on these linked CDC growth charts (scroll down). Kidsgrowth.com also has interesting growth milestones lists. I really need to give T more praise and be much less hard on him (result of my hormonal hell?)

Another One Down

For the last two weeks I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to do on my birthday. Meet friends at a bar or restaurant, have a nice dinner with a few friends at home, go to dinner with a few friends while T has a baby sitter, go away, do nothing, have people over... I just couldn't figure it out and couldn't make a decision. This is what I did instead:

Slept in until 8am (sort of) :-)

'Found' a gift certificate for a message at a local spa :-)

Went to group cycling at the Y and survived the class :-)

Returned home to find T and B had brought me a cheese and artichoke heart souffle and strawberry scone from the bakery :-)

Played in the yard with T :-)

Baked the four layers of Raspberry cake :-)

Made hummus for T's lunch that he didn't eat

Talked with a few freinds :-)

Went to the Spa for my 60 minute message and a 30 minute facial :-)

Played in the sandbox with T :-)

Talked with some family :-)

Ordered out pizza :-)

Made the Raspberry frosting (and forgot to add the cream cheese - doh!) and frosted the cake

Ate pizza outside, had 'movie night' and cake, and read to T :-)

Took at 'rejuvinating' aloe and sea salts bath :-) (Really need a bigger/deeper tub!)

Read before bed  and lights out at a decent time :-)

 

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Hope your day is a lucky and happy one! Go kiss someone!

T strongly resisted wearing any green, but he did in the end. Photo to come I hope. Photo to come also of me and my green - looking a bit round in the hips, I did a 'Daily Wear' pose ala some of the style blogs.

Looking a bit chunky and haning in T's room, my style blog pose of my wearing of the green. See my sweet lover kitty - she wanted all kinds of attention!

I made cottage pie for dinner, and will make some Irish soda bread to accompany it with spinach salad. Hope it's all good and hope my cousin who is in town can join us!

This was my conversation last night with T when I told him I was going to make cottage pie:

M:: I have a lot to do tonight. After you are asleep I am going to make cottage pie for tomorrow.

T:: Cottage pie?! Yuck!

M:: Yuck? Do you know what cottage pie is?

T::  Cody told me what it tastes like.

M:: He did? And what did he tell you?

T:: ... I don't remember.

M:: You don't? Then how do you know you don't like it?

T:: ...

M:: Do you know what is in cottage pie?

T:: What?

M:: Meat [T is a big meat eater and was gobbling chicken totellini as we talked]

T:: Yuck! I don't like meat.

M:: You don't? Not meatloaf, meatbals, lasagna...

T:: No, no, no (he says with an ever increasing smile)

M:: It also has mashed potatos [something T has waxed poetic about his love for]

T:: Yuck! I don't like mashed potatoes with anything!

M:: Ah well... (and it continued for a minute more...)

Rollercoaster

I am once again feeling somewhat hopeful, or if not totally hopeful, farther up the cliff and not as almost rock bottom as I was. What a difference a day and some sun can make! Yesterday I felt almost, not quite, but almost, buoyant. It was sunny day after the rainy, dreary, crappy day. I got out in the middle day (teacher lunch) and it was so, so nice!

I failed to mention in my last post that the night before (Monday) I succumbed and did a home pregnancy test. 'Here goes nothing,' I said to myself, knowing in one sense since I had gone ahead and was taking it that it would come up negative, but still feeling that faint glimmer that it could come back positive. I had been so sure I was not pregnant until I read that two signs of pregnancy can be hot flashes and night sweats. Hot flashes and night sweats? Hmm, it put a whole new spin on my despair over my age and upcoming birthday and gave me back some hope. Of course, however,  in my case hot flashes and night sweats were not a sign of pregnancy, but a sign of advanced age or my elevated FSH.

Today B called me from the tire store where he thought I might be as I had to get yet another new tire ($225 down the drain.) We chatted and I got rather annoyed. Hearing myself I wondered why I was being so icky, but of course was not able to stop myself. When B arrived home (it's work from home day, umm, yeah) He said immediatly, "What wrong? Why are you crying?" "Crying?" I said while I thought, 'you thought I sounded sad and not bitchy? That is probably a good thing!' "Did you get your period yet?" He followed up. "No," I replied. "It's coming," he said. Yes ... of course it is.

Despite this, I am not feeling so down. Tired, yes, but not all out low. A couple of weeks ago my acupuncturist said my chi has always been very resilient. It's good to know. I have noticed how I waffle between these disappointments (disappointments? failures?) and then just go on. How I can feel so all out raw and then laugh. Laughing is good.

Tuesday when I felt so bad I was jealous of everyone laughing. I don't laugh enough. I don't have a good laugh. I've thought about this a lot over the years. I've worked, and work now, with some people with wonderful laughs, with wonderful outlooks, with great senses of humor. I'll be sitting at my desk and you hear these chortles and guffaws, and lots of giggling punctuating the quite. It's good. Course when you are really sad it can be annoying or another thing to make you sad. Or make me sad - sometimes its another failing. B even said to me the other day that I don't have a sense of humor. He said it on Tuesday. It added to the worries.

I keep trying to lift this post out of the melencoly and it keeps dipping back down...

Last night I finished the book Garden Spells¹. I think it helped my mood a little. Monday (? early Monday?) I finished Wench², and two weeks ago (more??) I finished Rat Girl³. Monday I felt like I could relate somewhat to Kristen's mania.

¹ A charming novel, it deals with love, family lore, magic, and finding your place. Learning that there are multiple versions to every story. NC setting and some true characters, it is the kind of book that would make a very enjoyable Hallmark or Lifetime movie (it they didn't make it too cutsy and cheesy.)

² Very good book, though so sad, it is a novel set ten years before the civil war with the protagonist a favored female slave. The novel is mainly set in Ohio at a resort used by Southern slave owners to relax and enjoy time with the female slaves they 'sleep' with. You get insight into some daily life of a house slave, and see the tension between wanting to be free and 'loving' your owner. Complex relationships between white and black, free and enslaved, male and female.

³ The book is a memoir by musician Kristen Hersh. It chronicles one year early in her life when she discovered she was bi-polor, got signed to a record label with her band Throwing Muses, and got pregnant and had a child. Written based on her diary, it has somewhat of a diary entry format, but sprinkles in flash backs to her childhood, and song lyrics written from the experiences.

+++   +++   +++

When T got home yesterday he was on a mission. He has done this a couple of times recently. He has an idea of something he wants to make and he marches in to the house to get ready to make it so he can take it out and play. Yesterday he wanted to make Mohawks. Mohawks are not what I thought they were, and are probably not what you are thinking as you read. They are an arm band with a triangle that sticks out and can shoot bolts ('What are bolts mommy? Cody said these can shoot bolts.") We had several problems in the making - T's ability to explain what he wanted to do, and my ability to understand and help him were sorely challenged. There were screams and tears, time in his room, demands on both sides, and regret on my side at least. In the end however he had a rather cool and colorful cuff with his triangular bolt shooter sticking up. I'll try and get a picture to post later. We played chase and luckily the mohawk was not damaged.

This reminds me - the Pre-K kids have been taking two 8 x 11 sheets of paper, taping them together and taping them on their back to make wings. It started about four months ago as owl wings and has been fun to see. At anytime when you go into Pre-K you might see a child with paper taped to their back running circles, or running down the hall in front of their parent. The wings now can be any kind. Last week T brought some wings home and asked me to draw dragon wings on them. I did and he spent some time coloring them. Then he put on his dragon hat and ran outside to see if he could find the neighbor boys to play. He was adorable.He took the wings back to school the next day to play and got several compliments on his coloring.

Sunday T donned his tiger costume to play with the neighbor boys and enojyed crawling through the bushes roaring. The only downside was that the older boy got mad that T wouldn't be a regular knight and only wanted to be his ferociaous pet tiger. It was the first time I had seen Will get mad at T - he usually saves it for his younger brother, who had donned his own tiger costume after T came out.

My little tiger playing in the backyard while I get dinner. This was after we aprted ways with the neighbors.

Spinning or Stagnating?

Last Friday (Wednesday?) I felt like I was going to explode. I was wound so tight I felt like I was on the edge of losing it. I let out a gutteral scream in the midst of the morning routine that felt good in some ways, but was so intense it scared T and scared me a little too.

Today is another sucky day. I don't know if it is hormones, that time of the month, the fertilty journey, menupause, middle age, or what but I am so, so, so not happy. Feel like I'm spinning out of control, or have lost all control. It could also be that I am stagnating. I am not sure.

Something has to change. I don't know how to do it or exactly what it should be, but hope I figure it out.

Did a silent cry in one of the bathroom stalls. Luckily (?) I'm not wearing make-up so at least I don't have to worry about it smearing or coming off.