I am once again feeling somewhat hopeful, or if not totally hopeful, farther up the cliff and not as almost rock bottom as I was. What a difference a day and some sun can make! Yesterday I felt almost, not quite, but almost, buoyant. It was sunny day after the rainy, dreary, crappy day. I got out in the middle day (teacher lunch) and it was so, so nice!
I failed to mention in my last post that the night before (Monday) I succumbed and did a home pregnancy test. 'Here goes nothing,' I said to myself, knowing in one sense since I had gone ahead and was taking it that it would come up negative, but still feeling that faint glimmer that it could come back positive. I had been so sure I was not pregnant until I read that two signs of pregnancy can be hot flashes and night sweats. Hot flashes and night sweats? Hmm, it put a whole new spin on my despair over my age and upcoming birthday and gave me back some hope. Of course, however, in my case hot flashes and night sweats were not a sign of pregnancy, but a sign of advanced age or my elevated FSH.
Today B called me from the tire store where he thought I might be as I had to get yet another new tire ($225 down the drain.) We chatted and I got rather annoyed. Hearing myself I wondered why I was being so icky, but of course was not able to stop myself. When B arrived home (it's work from home day, umm, yeah) He said immediatly, "What wrong? Why are you crying?" "Crying?" I said while I thought, 'you thought I sounded sad and not bitchy? That is probably a good thing!' "Did you get your period yet?" He followed up. "No," I replied. "It's coming," he said. Yes ... of course it is.
Despite this, I am not feeling so down. Tired, yes, but not all out low. A couple of weeks ago my acupuncturist said my chi has always been very resilient. It's good to know. I have noticed how I waffle between these disappointments (disappointments? failures?) and then just go on. How I can feel so all out raw and then laugh. Laughing is good.
Tuesday when I felt so bad I was jealous of everyone laughing. I don't laugh enough. I don't have a good laugh. I've thought about this a lot over the years. I've worked, and work now, with some people with wonderful laughs, with wonderful outlooks, with great senses of humor. I'll be sitting at my desk and you hear these chortles and guffaws, and lots of giggling punctuating the quite. It's good. Course when you are really sad it can be annoying or another thing to make you sad. Or make me sad - sometimes its another failing. B even said to me the other day that I don't have a sense of humor. He said it on Tuesday. It added to the worries.
I keep trying to lift this post out of the melencoly and it keeps dipping back down...
Last night I finished the book Garden Spells1. I think it helped my mood a little. Monday (? early Monday?) I finished Wench2, and two weeks ago (more??) I finished Rat Girl3. Monday I felt like I could relate somewhat to Kristen's mania.
1 A charming novel, it deals with love, family lore, magic, and finding your place. Learning that there are multiple versions to every story. NC setting and some true characters, it is the kind of book that would make a very enjoyable Hallmark or Lifetime movie (it they didn't make it too cutsy and cheesy.)
2 Very good book, though so sad, it is a novel set ten years before the civil war with the protagonist a favored female slave. The novel is mainly set in Ohio at a resort used by Southern slave owners to relax and enjoy time with the female slaves they 'sleep' with. You get insight into some daily life of a house slave, and see the tension between wanting to be free and 'loving' your owner. Complex relationships between white and black, free and enslaved, male and female.
3 The book is a memoir by musician Kristen Hersh. It chronicles one year early in her life when she discovered she was bi-polor, got signed to a record label with her band Throwing Muses, and got pregnant and had a child. Written based on her diary, it has somewhat of a diary entry format, but sprinkles in flash backs to her childhood, and song lyrics written from the experiences.
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When T got home yesterday he was on a mission. He has done this a couple of times recently. He has an idea of something he wants to make and he marches in to the house to get ready to make it so he can take it out and play. Yesterday he wanted to make Mohawks. Mohawks are not what I thought they were, and are probably not what you are thinking as you read. They are an arm band with a triangle that sticks out and can shoot bolts ('What are bolts mommy? Cody said these can shoot bolts.") We had several problems in the making - T's ability to explain what he wanted to do, and my ability to understand and help him were sorely challenged. There were screams and tears, time in his room, demands on both sides, and regret on my side at least. In the end however he had a rather cool and colorful cuff with his triangular bolt shooter sticking up. I'll try and get a picture to post later. We played chase and luckily the mohawk was not damaged.
This reminds me - the Pre-K kids have been taking two 8 x 11 sheets of paper, taping them together and taping them on their back to make wings. It started about four months ago as owl wings and has been fun to see. At anytime when you go into Pre-K you might see a child with paper taped to their back running circles, or running down the hall in front of their parent. The wings now can be any kind. Last week T brought some wings home and asked me to draw dragon wings on them. I did and he spent some time coloring them. Then he put on his dragon hat and ran outside to see if he could find the neighbor boys to play. He was adorable.He took the wings back to school the next day to play and got several compliments on his coloring.
Sunday T donned his tiger costume to play with the neighbor boys and enojyed crawling through the bushes roaring. The only downside was that the older boy got mad that T wouldn't be a regular knight and only wanted to be his ferociaous pet tiger. It was the first time I had seen Will get mad at T - he usually saves it for his younger brother, who had donned his own tiger costume after T came out.
My little tiger playing in the backyard while I get dinner. This was after we aprted ways with the neighbors.