T, being the free spirit that he can be, decided to hang on to his bread and said to me grinning with it visible inside his cheek, "I'm saving mine until I am hungry; like a Kuala!"
Just a quick little thought...it's supposedly that fertile time of the month. My body is primed and my boobs are sore. Last week, Tuesday in fact, my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor jumped from one line to two, indicating High Fertility. I nearly jumped for joy, as I was starting to get in a funk. It was day seventeen of my cycle and I was starting to lose hope that I would ovulate, despite starting the cycle with a really good period. Cause you see, this cycle started on day twenty one of the last cycle - so 17 to 20, not much time! Anyway there are a couple little things coinciding, though they might all be silly, they could be signs. Time, short time, will tell.
One year ago today I was one day away from the D&C to remove my dead blueberry girl. I was several days past learning of her demise and I was walking around in a fog of tiredness from decreased thyroid function and a body that didn't know it wasn't still pregnant. While I had really hoped I'd already be pregnant by this time this year (thus the drugs in March, the depression later), I have heard of it taking many women a year to get pregnant after a loss - many get pregnant one year later. So...
Then many women on my over 40 and TTC chat board have mentioned they have gotten pregnant while sick. I am sick, B was sick... we did the dance at just about the height of my cold.
And the big one... Last year, just before or just after I found out I was pregnant, T had a dream that I was. Children are often open and psychic to these kinds of things. Last night as we laid down to read, T patted my chest. "Ow, ow, ow!" I said. "Why does it hurt?" T asked. I said, "Sometimes it just does." "Oh I know!" T exclaimed with a smile, "You are making milk! You have a baby in your tummy!" Now since I just reached, according to the CBEFM, peak fertility that day (or maybe Sunday as I forgot to test that morning and don't know) I shouldn't really be pregnant yet, though maybe the egg released earlier in the day, and B's sperm met it and maybe... I can hardly contain my excitement over my possibly psychic boy.
Maybe oh maybe the stars have aligned. Maybe at this time of hope and peace (advent) and expectancy and wonder, this time of preparation for a birth... maybe an ongoing prayer for a healthy child can be granted. Maybe oh maybe my little LM or ML/MG or W can join us, is coming back, is ready to come to Earth. Maybe oh maybe T can be right again. ... Fingers crossed.
I often feel like my time with T is too focused on getting from point A to B and that we haven't had enough time together just for fun. T feels the same it seems. This evening he asked for a special time with me ("When we can have time together just us?") His desire includes not just time, but good weather - a super sunny day that we will play on the grass outside and lay down looking up and read a book. Sounds great doesn't it?
We'll make it happen. Soon.
"Mommy, mommy, Cloud has a hole!" T said to me one night not too long ago. "Oh, okay, I'll fix it later," I said as it was bed time and there was not time to fix this beloved lovey before T went to sleep.
In the last two years I have performed surgery on Cloud a number of times, the second surgery having particular urgency as we were on vacation in Oregon and T was anxious. In downtown Portland I got to search out a very cool little sewing shop on one corner, and handwork place next door. I left with darning needle and embroidery floss in one hand, T and Cloud in the other.
Since that trip there have been many more repairs, much work for that darning needle, and a fair amount of embroidery floss. My technique has gotten a little better, and I redid those first two fixes at about time four. The scars are evident however, a bit messy looking.
The next morning I took a look at this new hole brought to my attention. Oh my what a hole!
Big and gaping I could fit three or four fingers in, and I did. This was the third time I added more stuffing to reshape Cloud a bit. T has a tendency to hold him by the neck so that when sitting on his bed, Cloud's neck flops over uncomfortably. I stitched him up and this is his newest badge of love.
In the days since I have worked to shore up a few threadbare places hoping to stave off new holes, and repaired one small hole near the top of Cloud's left thigh. You can see clearly however, that I have my work cut out to practically weave a new belly section before another large stuffing worthy hole develops from all of T's picking and hugs.
Cloud remains pretty chipper about all of this though and relatively un-phased by his new decorations. It comes with the territory of being the number one lovey.
September 16, 2006, not quite three months, Cloud and T pose for their first photo together (Cloud was brought home while T was still in my belly.)
In the past T has told me he is never moving away. He looks at me blankly, or looks ever so faintly scared when it is suggested he might want to live somewhere other than home, and somewhere else than with me/us.
Not today. Today he said he going to live 'in Chinese', later corrected to China or Taiwan. "I will visit you every two, every two or three, every two or three years, or every two or three months. Because it is a long way away I will not see you very often, but I will visit. Will you visit me mommy?" "What are you going to do there?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied. "Why do you want to go to China?" I asked. "I want to speak Chinese," was the reply. We had walked out of school with his friend Stephen whose parents are Chinese (main land), and they all speak to each other in Chinese. T knows two or three words and is excited to know them. I told him we could find classes here so he could learn. He was quiet with that.
T has talked, in the past, about being a pilot and having an airline. He will fly to Taiwan. It will be the A airline. His classmate Miah goes to Taiwan to visit family every year, and since he was tiny it has fascinated him. Miah's parents are Chinese and Taiwanese, and very friendly. Miah and Stephen have captivated T.
T said he was going to live in China forever. I dearly hope not. It would be so hard to have him so far away for so long.
One of T's favorite sayings these days is, "What in the world?" He often cocks his head to one side and crooks an eye brow as he widens his eyes with a smile.
I am taking part in The Shredheads April Challenge to get Ripped In 30 (I got mine at Target). I tried to start last Friday but only made it part of the way through the first circuit before I had to help with T's bedtime. I put in my 26 minuets Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today (Thursday) however, and while sore am not hobbling. I have had to modify a few of the exercises - one of the abs and the push-ups which I do on my knees (wimp!), and for the second set of flies in the chair pose, I'm not going deep. I'll be posting Before photos at some point - they ain't pretty - as well as measurements. Both are embarrassing as I have gotten 'big'.
I took Tuesday and yesterday off in part because I finally got my period. Yay! So we will have a two cycle plan once I ovulate; fingers and toes crossed.(I was feeling thankful about finally getting my period and knowing where I was in the cycle etc. When I told B he was sad.)
Mariska Hargity (an actress and daughter of Jayne Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay) adopted a baby girl. She and her husband have a son who is five days younger than T, and she is only three years older than I am. They were part of our 'star baby crew' when I was pregnant and after T was born (others include Suri Cruise, Kingston Rossdale, and Shiloh Joli-Pitt) I knew they were trying for a second child, but had thought perhaps they had given up. Not so, and it kind of made me sad as adoption is not a possibility for us. Learned this and that another 40-mom (just 40) Tina Fey is pregnant with number two. Her daughter is five. Please God can it be your will that we get to join in too?
T put on a puppet show for me last week. He made both puppets - the boy (left puppet) is a self portrait with some of T's actual hair (gathered from a hair cut). I knew the show was something that should be taped, and T likes to see video of himself, so we did more than one.
[Edit: I showed these to T and he grinned and giggled. He loved seeing them and how silly he was. In the first video near the beginning you hear a banging, "That me making the puppets dance," he told me.]
Hope your day is a lucky and happy one! Go kiss someone!
T strongly resisted wearing any green, but he did in the end. Photo to come I hope. Photo to come also of me and my green - looking a bit round in the hips, I did a 'Daily Wear' pose ala some of the style blogs.
This was my conversation last night with T when I told him I was going to make cottage pie:
M:: I have a lot to do tonight. After you are asleep I am going to make cottage pie for tomorrow.
T:: Cottage pie?! Yuck!
M:: Yuck? Do you know what cottage pie is?
T:: Cody told me what it tastes like.
M:: He did? And what did he tell you?
T:: ... I don't remember.
M:: You don't? Then how do you know you don't like it?
M:: Do you know what is in cottage pie?
M:: Meat [T is a big meat eater and was gobbling chicken totellini as we talked]
T:: Yuck! I don't like meat.
M:: You don't? Not meatloaf, meatbals, lasagna...
T:: No, no, no (he says with an ever increasing smile)
M:: It also has mashed potatos [something T has waxed poetic about his love for]
T:: Yuck! I don't like mashed potatoes with anything!
M:: Ah well... (and it continued for a minute more...)
Yesterday T and I went to Old Navy to shop. Almost all of T's pants have holes in the knees and a few are getting short on him. I patched quite a few pair, but have more to do and one or two to repatch already (new holes). As we looked at the items in the boys section (bye-bye little boys and toddlers!) our conversation went something like this: