I had my two week follow-up this morning. It kind of snuck up on me. My body is slowly returning to normal and mentally I am... I am somewhere else. Not sure quite where, 'cause it's not like I don't think about the miscarriage or about pregnancy - I do, almost all the time still - but maybe it's not the first thing I think of. The first thing might be that I have sooooooooooooooooo much to do still and no idea when it will get done - how many things can be late?
Anyway, the appointment was this morning. I thought it would be a pelvic exam. I thought we would talk about the bleeding. I forgot that Dr Andrew might have the results of the genetic test. A couple days ago I thought about those results and wondered when we would get them, but at the same time I have sort of known what they would be - some chromosomal abnormality. The fetus wasn't healthy and it stopped growing. End of story, time to focus on the future and that my body knew what to do and did it successfully. Time to think of baby-end-of-2011, and not think of the baby that might have been in the middle of July 2011.
But here we were. Dr Andrew came in with a sad face and gave me a hug. "How are you doing?" he asked. "I'm fine. Tired 'cause I'm going to bed too late, trying to do too much," I replied. We chatted and I wondered when he would palpitate my abdomen (never mind that I was fully clothed). Instead he looked at my file and said, "Well, we know what happened - Trisomy 9..." and he went on to tell me more about the disorder: three #9 chromosomes instead of two, very rare - only 3% of chromosomal abnormalities, most likely due to my age. I'm more likely to have this type of thing again, but that is due to my age and the decreased health of the eggs. Can happen to anyone no matter what age, but at my age the percentage of chance is up at 10 - 20%. Blah, blah blah.
Then the kicker. "Do you want a copy of this report?" "Yes, please," I said. "Wait, do you want to know the sex? It is on this report and if you don't want to know..." "Um, sure, yes, I'd like to know." "OK, if you want to know... Female, it would have been a girl."
Odd how getting this news affected me. It is so much more real. A baby girl. A deformed, mentally retarded girl who, if she would have made it to birth, would probably not have lived a year, but then if so, not past toddler-hood most likely. The vast majority of Trisomy 9 cases self abort in the first trimester. Those that make it to birth are generally not a 'pure' form of the disorder. ... But a little girl. All these boys in the family, and finally a girl.
I did the ring test at about six weeks and it indicated girl. Chinese calendar had said boy. The ring test 'won'. Hmmmmm.
We've been talking about planting blueberry bushes in the back yard. Would that be the way to honor and remember this little blueberry sized girl that was not healthy enough to be? Are you watching over us little angel?