Babbling

Another Kind of Quilt

I created a quilt block  for the (2015)Quilt, a project of ONE and (RED).

Or Maybe Not

Once again no. Not me, not this time, not this month.

But I really felt like this was going to be it. I felt so much like I might be.

Not ever again?

Got my period this morning. Day 37 turns into Day 1, just shy of a full two weeks from ovulation. (Wonder if that constitutes a short luteal phase.) It would have been sooooo 'perfect' if I could have been pregnant! But for some reason I don't get to be that lucky. Perhaps my chi is off, my chakras are blocked, or I have bad psychic energy. It couldn't be that I am just way too damn old.

My acupuncturist said last Wednesday that if I wasn't pregnant, he felt this might be the month, that my pulses were stong. As he said that doubt started to creep in. My body started to feel less maybe-pregnant, to more just bloated and sore.

Was pissed off and pissy all weekend. Had three holiday parties to go to. Debated whether or not to drink at each one, but did not. "What if?", I thought and decided not to chance it. Could have, damn it. Now I wonder if I shouldn't imbibe over the holiday so as not to 'poison the well' for this 'month'. Crap.

And I get to feel the ticking of the clock as I get nearer and nearer my birthday. Either my birthday or B's will be the end of this incredibly depressing and draining quest. Thinking about that makes me tear up. As much as I am ready to move on with my life I hate to give up on this dream. I hate to finally accept defeat.

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T started sport camp this morning. He is off from school the next two weeks and two days. This week, and possibly next, he'll go to camp at one of the local colleges. It runs from 9am - 4pm (with extended hours on each end if needed.) Since I have to work, and B has two new class preps, and T still doesn't do independent play well, we signed him up. Plus one of his Pre-K friends goes to this camp and likes it. I hope he likes it. I hope it is a good experience for him.

Could it be? Psychic?

Just a quick little thought...it's supposedly that fertile time of the month. My body is primed and my boobs are sore. Last week, Tuesday in fact, my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor jumped from one line to two, indicating High Fertility. I nearly jumped for joy, as I was starting to get in a funk. It was day seventeen of my cycle and I was starting to lose hope that I would ovulate, despite starting the cycle with a really good period. Cause you see, this cycle started on day twenty one of the last cycle - so 17 to 20, not much time! Anyway there are a couple little things coinciding, though they might all be silly, they could be signs. Time, short time, will tell.

One year ago today I was one day away from the D&C to remove my dead blueberry girl. I was several days past learning of her demise and I was walking around in a fog of tiredness from decreased thyroid function and a body that didn't know it wasn't still pregnant. While I had really hoped I'd already be pregnant by this time this year (thus the drugs in March, the depression later), I have heard of it taking many women a year to get pregnant after a loss - many get pregnant one year later. So...

Then many women on my over 40 and TTC chat board have mentioned they have gotten pregnant while sick. I am sick, B was sick... we did the dance at just about the height of my cold.

And the big one... Last year, just before or just after I found out I was pregnant, T had a dream that I was. Children are often open and psychic to these kinds of things. Last night as we laid down to read, T patted my chest. "Ow, ow, ow!" I said. "Why does it hurt?" T asked. I said, "Sometimes it just does." "Oh I know!" T exclaimed with a smile, "You are making milk! You have a baby in your tummy!" Now since I just reached, according to the CBEFM, peak fertility that day (or maybe Sunday as I forgot to test that morning and don't know) I shouldn't really be pregnant yet, though maybe the egg released earlier in the day, and B's sperm met it and maybe... I can hardly contain my excitement over my possibly psychic boy.

Maybe oh maybe the stars have aligned. Maybe at this time of hope and peace (advent) and expectancy and wonder, this time of preparation for a birth... maybe an ongoing prayer for a healthy child can be granted. Maybe oh maybe my little LM or ML/MG or W can join us, is coming back, is ready to come to Earth. Maybe oh maybe T can be right again. ... Fingers crossed.

Desicions, Desicions

When T became a real presence in my belly and my stuff was moved out of the third bedroom to make room for the nursery, some of it went to the living room. The love seat, the club chair, and their off white denim. It was then that I first started thinking about what new fabrics I might choose for these pieces of furniture. Shortly thereafter when we brought in the new ultrasuede couch in cappuccino I knew the days were numbered - but what should we choose?

We made do for years - mixing the pillows so that they blended somewhat and I thought and thought. Then the loveseat started to breakdown... and still I wasn't able to find the time to find the fabric to recover these bits of seating. I brought home bits of fabric from time to time and looked at magazines, asked my mom. Then two weeks ago I made a concerted effort. I'd decided on linen, linen/cotton blend, or possibly hemp if someone could tell me about it. I went to the two big stores I know of and I came home with a big handful of possibilities.

Our four favorites for the love seat are below, with the biggest swatch, a linen blend herringbone being the favorite (and most costly.)

I have long thought of a linen slipcover in blue for the club chair. I am hopeful that the love seat and club chair don't need to be the same material, or even color, though both B and I are a little worried about what it will be like in the room if they are not.

The one on the right end is my favorite. The one next to it is quite pretty and looks good with the herringbone, but not as good with the cappuccino coach.

Other elements in the room:

The wall color I think is a Sienna Tan, but I can't find it on the Benjamin Moore site. It might be this Tuscan Tan color (one we considered if it is not the one we went with.) The ceiling here (and on all the ceilings we have painted) is Light Blue. The Dining room is done in Umbria Red above the chair rail, and I think this Heathsmear below the chair rail (it is two lighter from either the Sienna or Tuscan Tan.)

So, what do you my very few readers think? Do you like the materials? Do the two pieces need ot be the same?

Oh, and I've been contemplating this lamp as a bit of whimsy...

Book Club Poll

For my book club friends...